will work for bandwidth

Well. My modem is intermittently working, with static on the line and fluctuating bandwidth with a range of a whopping 28.8 kbps to the astonishing speeds of 6.2 kbps!

Believe me i've tried to get DSL, but due to my location, the quality would be significantly degraded.

You know those t-shirts that say "will work for bandwidth" - i feel exactly like that. Anyone out there hiring?